


Forbidden Thoughts that Music Evokes

by Eluvian



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Connor "lies" to Amanda, Connor Listens to Linkin Park, Connor Listens to Linkin Park: Numb, Connor does not know what he feels/wants/should do, Connor fakes his reactions to Amanda, Connor is on his way to become Deviant, Connor is scared, Connor listens to Music, Connor wants to earn Hank's trust, Detroit Police Department (Detroit: Become Human), Gavin is just himself, Gen, Hank Anderson & Connor Friendship, Hank is late from work, Hank makes Connor feel safe, In the office before Hank arrives, Music wakes up emotions, Suspicious Amanda, System Instability, Zen Garden (Detroit: Become Human), doubts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:48:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22220578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eluvian/pseuds/Eluvian
Summary: Connor mentions to Hank that he would like to listen to music, after babbling something about heavy metal being full of energy. Even though he has no idea of that. He feels ashamed because he only did it to gain Hank's sympathy. Once he realizes this, he starts to study music, but still does not understand why it is fun. Until he stops thinkig and analyzing, he just lets his thoughts go freely.Which is dangerous. Because the thoughts talk about the truth he seeks to hide.
Relationships: Amanda & Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Connor & Gavin Reed, Hank Anderson & Connor
Kudos: 81





	Forbidden Thoughts that Music Evokes

**Author's Note:**

> The credit for the quotes of the song goes to Linkin Park, it is the song Numb.

Connor usually felt that everything went according to plan.

Until it did not.

He said something he should not have. He implied that he listens to music when he knew that it was not true. Why did he say so?

He was pretty sure he remembered feeling the urge, as if it was written with capital letters, that he should find a way to make Hank trust him. He gathered all the information he could about him. Humans liked to talk about the activities they did. Connor thought it would be best if he knew all there is to know about Hank, so he would have topics to talk about.

But he said someething that could be described by the word "stupid”. It was not something he felt. He heard it from someone. He did not know how they felt. The only time he heard music he did not bother to process it, because it was just a background to fill int he silence for humans, and he had other things to care about. When he was sitting in the car with Hank, the lieutenant usually listened to music, but Connor’s mind drifted away to the ivestigation and calculating what would be the best approach. He did not really listen to the music.

 _"But I’d like to."_ That’s what he had said, escaping the strange feeling that struck him – shame – when he realized that what he said was not completely in accordance with reality.

Next time he was alone, and he had time until the next step of the investigation, he decided to try what it is like.

He had access to anything he wanted on the internet, so he randomly searched for the most popular pieces of music from the year 2000. He realized it took a lot of time and in the meantime he could not really do anything else, if he wanted to concentrate on the music.

Firstly he decided he would not let his attention be driven away by anything else. He found a silent place, he assumed a position that seemed natural, like sitting, and he did not move. He analysed the rhythm, instruments, the trends of instruments used in different genres, the constituents of the music. Created lists about what they contained. Beats that mimicked the human heartbeat. Faster, slower, maybe trying to make the heartbeat follow them. Lyrics usually written from the perspective of the speaker, expressing personal feelings towards another person. Romance. Suicide. Aggression.

He read articles about them. He knew, he studied how they influenced emotions and what they were good for. Humans did not like silence. They felt it stressful and in most cultures they had a need to break it. Silence for them was the lack of something, painful, difficult to bear. Their thoughts went to dangerous places when there was nothing to fill their mind with auditory sensations. That is why they needed music. This explained why it was everywhere. In plazas, on the streets, in restaurants, bars. In films. In games. Music was also a way to give a background to the mood a film or other media product was trying to convey. Connor believed that was the same with places in real life. The music contributed to the outer look of the place and the purpose it served. For instance, it was suspected that there is a high probability of people having romantic dinners in restaurants, thus the rate of songs and music connected to this topic and mood was relatively high.

He knew all this. But he still had difficulties understanding why Hank enjoyed the kind of music he enjoyed. And why they said that everyone has to find their own music, find what it TELLS them.

Of course, these texts never mentioned androids listening to music.

Maybe Deviants did. Maybe they felt what humans did – as there were many correlations about Deviants and humans before. So if he would like to understand more about Deviants, he must find a way to reach that… something that helps people devote hours of their lives to just listening to something.

For that, he needed a different approach. He could analyse, sort and list many things, but this was not what he needed. So he accepted the basic tutorial which he previously thought impossible: close your eyes and just listen. And let… something… happen. He did not know if it would work, but he tried to shut off the habit of sticking to the details and viewing everything as if it needed to be solved.

Many of his attempts were interrupted by Gavin staring into his face and mocking him about something that he did not understand. Gavin’s sentences contained images that wwere perfectly perceivable, but the aim of his utterance remained unclear. The detective laughed and called him familiar names that humans who disliked androids usually used. Gavin’s expressions raised his stress level. He did not feel intimidated by him, he just… believed it best to avoid confrontation. So he finished what he was doing.

He decided to limit these adventures to when he was alone.

Once Hank was late again and Gavin did not arrive either, even though it was 40 minutes later then his shift usually started. Connor felt it satisfying that he did not see him, and would have found it beneficial if it stayed that way. The others grew to accept his presence and other than giving strange looks in his direction, they did not really get into his way. Only Gavin. He seemed to enjoy it, even though his little “games” lost all their creativity and became very monotonous after a while.

Connor sat down at the desk in front of Hank’s desk – which was his own – and closed his eyes. He believed no one would bother him.

He listened to Numb by Linkin Park, a song from 2003, a very popular one in its genre. He tried to think with the mind of a Deviant. He imagined that he was one of them, based on what he saw and heard about them. They were stressful, full of fear. Anger. Hatred. Like cornered animals. His mind wandered back to the Deviant he had interrogated.

They escaped. They killed. They murdered.

_“I’m tired of being what you want me to be.”_

What you want me to be. A slave. A servant. Not fair. The brown-skinned android’s owner, Carlos Ortiz wanted him to be… what? Something that accepts his punishment and torture without a word.

Connor replayed the scene in a split second. But the rush of the music went on, and on, and he decided to let go.

_“Every step that I take is another mistake to you.”_

The sound, long, hight-pitched, sounds like a cry, a cry of excitement, pain.

Every step that I take. _”You could have shot those two girls, but you didn’t. Why didn’t you SHOOT, Connor?”_ Hands push against his chest.

Chloe’s perfectly tailored face, her innocent blue eyes staring into him, the girl kneeling before him and not moving, even when she sees the gun pointed at her temple, in Connor’s hands. He should have shot her. He needed answers from Kamski. He denied the command.

_Why didn’t you do it?_

_I- don’t know._

_“..is be more like me and be less like you.”_

Pronouns. What does it mean? Who is “me” and who is “you”? A child and a parent. An apprentice and a master. A romantic interest and the speaker.

Stop analysing.

Another approach.

Need to read between the lines.

_"Can't you see that you're smothering me?_  
_Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control”_

_How do I know you’re not just a fucking Deviant?_

He thought that he knew he wasn't. He did not know what Deviant was anymore. He did not know what it meant NOT to be Deviant. Or he did not want to admit it.

_“'Cause everything that you thought I would be_  
_Has fallen apart right in front of you”_

Water, cherry blossom trees and white platforms, stone-crystal, Amanda’s calm, but stern face. He is reluctant to say what he has found. He does not want her to know. He is scared.

Scared.

Want.

Scared.

 _I should not be scared._ Maybe imagining what it is like to be a Deviant was strong enough.

_“And every second I waste is more than I can take!”_

The refrain rolled over and over in his mind, but he did not feel numb. He felt various sentences he wanted to say at once.

And then, suddenly, he was indeed in the Zen Garden.

Connor did not understand how he came here. He did not intend to. Besides, this time he does not need to look for Amanda. She was standing right in front of him, her dark figure in contrast with the dim blue, pink and green background of the trees and the sky.

Connor was surprised. He had not expected this. The music immediately stopped playing. It was not him who had done it, he was sure about that.

“Connor.”

He did something wrong. He knows he did something wrong. He is looking for instructions. The silence after all that buzz and noise is freeing, in a way. But it feels cold.

“Yes, Amanda?”

“What were you doing?”

His expression does not change, though he believes his LED is turning red. Flickering. He blinks slowly. He tries to find the connection between what he was doing and the mission.

Interestingly, the first answer that comes to his mind is _“Nothing”_. But that is not true. Why does he want to say that?

Second option: confessing that he was doing research in order to get closer to Lt. Anderson. Is that what he was trying to do though? Or was he just curious what people felt when listening to music?

He was late. He had been silent too long. Amanda frowned.

“Connor, I’m going to ask you again. What, were you, doing?”

Her voice sounded angry. Connor answered immediately.

“I was attempting to uncover a detail in the psychological build-up of Deviants.”

He was wondering whether this is true. But he feels his task is to calm Amanda down. She needs to be calm, he can solve it. He will solve it. He does not want to see Amanda angry.

That would have meant he is not useful. That would have meant his termination.

And he did not want that.

The realisation was more scary than he thought.

Deviants.

Was Amanda satisfied?

“And what did you find?”

The danger was gone. This question was very much like the previous ones, although Amanda’s brows are still very low. Suspicion.

“I was… curious about what is common in them and humans. I realized that in many things they are the same. They experience fear, stress. One way to redeem it is to listen to music. I have never done it before, so I thought it was worth a try.”

“What were you hoping to find?”

Amanda walked closer and it took Connor far too long to come up with an answer. He felt trapped. He wanted to get out. To get back to the desk where he was sitting, in the Detroit Police Department. To get back to his thoughts which he have not been settled yet. He did not want to be in this world now.

He did not understand what this was. But he needed to solve this situation now. Right now.

Amanda raised her eyebrow.

Then a gentle smile appeared on Connor’s face. A smile which seemed a perfect, synthetic copy of a confident, yet a little egoistic human smile.

“I believe my immersion skills are deeper than I realised until now. CyberLife really made a good job.”

And, for the full effect, he winked.

And he felt _satisfied._ Deep inside, he was scared. He did not know what he was doing, yet the built-up smile felt so strong on his face as if it was honest.

It was just a play.

“Immersion skills? Connor, you were designed to collect the signs and come up with a conclusion.”

 _Oh sh-_ Wait, was he just about to use one of Hank’s cussing words? Why?

Chaos. Whole chaos.

“That is why I was doing it. I need to understand how they work. An investigator needs to think with the mind of a criminal.”

“Did Lieutenant Anderson mention this to you?”

_Oh no. Don’t._

“He did not mention it”, he evaded.

“Then how did it occur to your mind?”

“I was looking at data around his desk. I found out what type of music he listens to.”

“Were you curious why he liked that kind of music?”

“Yes. I would like to know more about him. To determine the best approach in communication and cooperation.”

He wanted to ask for minutes now: _“Why did you call me here, Amanda?”_ , but he dared not. So he answered the questions. It seemed safe. It seemed… what he had to do. Good. As long as he does what he must, it is all good.

“I detected an instability in your system. I do think you should stop pursuing these activities.”

“Of course. Maybe I am still not the perfect model and have occasional weaknesses”, he tries to say in a calm tone, slowly, without batting an eye.

“So you would like to give up your investigation, Connor?”

“No!” Too fast. But it was good. “I will continue. I never give up. I always accomplish my mission.”

It did not feel true. He was not sure what his mission is anymore. But that thought was hidden deep inside, somewhere in his software. His eyes and face tol Amanda that he was confident. He did not give up. He would accomplish it.

_I won’t give up living._

A silent thought, running through his mind, and then he did not even listen to what the woman had to say. He was let go. Drawn back to reality.

***

Hank was late from work, so he was in a bad mood. He drank his coffee in a rush, but it did not help much. He entered the office, with dishevelled hair, settled some of his papers than went to his desk and saw a zombie-faced Connor sitting in front of him.

“Hey. Connor, what the hell’s gotten into you?”

The android did not answer. His eyes were closed, as if he had dozed off. But Hank had learnt by now that androids did not _sleep_ in a way humans did. Maybe Connor was talking to those CyberLife people again.

But why did he look so troubled then? The wrinkles on his forehead looked even more prominent than usual, and his led was circling wild red.

“Oh, for Chris’s sake.”

He buried his face in his hands. How many problems could one android partner have in such a short time? Hank was worried. It did not lok normal. Damn, Connor was looking as if he was having a bad dream.

“What is it, Hank?”, Chris asked, seeing that the detective was walking to and fro at his desk, thinking. “Your android broke down?”

“No, it is just probably talking to his boss. No problem.”

He said It, but it felt somehow wrong. After all, the damn thing had a name. Hank only referred to Connor as It when he talked to his colleagues, because hell knows what those idiots like Gavin would say if he would NOT refer to Connor as an object.

Object or not, Connor looked real bad. No matter how many times Hank called his name, he did not answer. Finally, with just a tiny stroke of guilt, Hank slapped his face.

He was sure Connor would wake up. But he did not. “Oh, hell.”

Then, after a few seconds, Connor’s eyes opened.

“Finally. What the hell was tha-“ Hank stopped. He had never seen the RK800 so terrified. Connor’s eyes were wide open, his gaze quickly scanning everything around him, building up his surroundings again. Desk. Office. Hank. Back. Safe. Wonderful.

Alive.

“Lieutenant… Anderson.”

Hank is here, nothing can go wrong. He escaped. But how did he? How did Amanda not see what he was…

What was he thinking?

Guilt rushed through him. But he was back. And he had to face the thought that what he was doing, was – lying.

Why did he feel so guilty about listening to some music? He did not know why it was a sin. He ust knew that Amanda would feel bad about the fact that he did it just for… curiosity.

He said what they wanted to hear.

He realised he did the same with Hank. About him listening to music. That was the mistake he wanted to make up for. But he could not tell this to Amanda. For some reason he believed Amanda would not have liked him wanting to advance their relationship in such a way.

“Are you alright, Connor?”

Was he?

“I don’t know. I just…” He did not feel scared now. Hank would understand him. More than Amanda, at least. “I will be alright. Thank you.”

Hank raised an eyebrow. Connor’s led faded to orange, then yellow.

“Were you making a report?”

“Yes.” He said nothing more.

“You sure as hell looked like you were having a nightmare, your light stuff was all red.”

He knew it was an LED circle, he just enjoyed talking as if he knew nothing about technology. Heck, maybe it was the bad influence from his colleagues.

“I- faced some instabilities in my system.”

“You got it all settled then?”

“To the best of my abilities.”

“Alright. Don’t make a habit of this, it was scary, you know.”

“I am sorry, Lieutenant.”

Hank murmured something. “Oh, and, well… I might have slapped your face a few minutes back, sorry ‘bout that. I thought it would wake you up.”

Connor did not know why Hank told him that. It had no influence now.

“When I consult with CyberLife, I enter a mode that shuts off external sensations. I did not experience what you did.”

Hank did not look pleased. “Fine. Just that you knew.”

“It is alright, Hank. I do not see that as an insult.”

“Good. Now let’s get to work, and don’t doze off again, you.”

“I will try not to”, Conor said, even though first he wanted to contradict the fact that what he was doing had anything to do with sleeping.

He needed to focus on the mission, so that he would not think about what that music did to him. It was really dangerous. The thought crossed his mind that maybe rA9 was some kind of virus spreading in the form of auditory signals. Maybe rA9 was a kind of music. Soundwaves.

Or maybe it was the thoughts the lyrics evoked in him. But it took much longer him to accept that.


End file.
